My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
