Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
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I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
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Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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