i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
