Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
