o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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