I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Green mimosas i think yes
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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