what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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