Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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