I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
