ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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