Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
