guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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