saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
