omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
