i dedicated my morning wood to you.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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