At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
