2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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