1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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