Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
