Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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