Nicole vs. Life
my phone needs a breathalizer
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
