i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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