So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
