I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
