The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
