I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
