Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
two words: eviction party
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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