So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
