barbara walters just said penis...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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