First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.