I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i came on her dog
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
