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• (845): View more from New York

  First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...

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• (630): View more from Illinois

  Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  New channing tatum movie.

  (858): View more from California

  I'll bring my vibrator.

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• (781): View more from Massachusetts

  just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me

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  Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?

  Read it at the TFLN blog
  

• (704): View more from North Carolina

  I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?

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• (918): View more from Oklahoma

  He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.

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• (402): View more from Nebraska

  The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.

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• (704): View more from North Carolina

  She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock

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• (208): View more from Idaho

  if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.

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  Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags

  Read it at the TFLN blog
  

• (802): View more from Vermont

  I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses

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• (860): View more from Connecticut

  We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"

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• (616): View more from Michigan

  She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."

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• (512): View more from Texas

  Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.

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• (914): View more from New York

  Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.

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• (615): View more from Tennessee

  It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.

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