My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
