The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
