I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
