My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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