he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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