I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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