I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
