Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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