well I can't set my house on fire every night
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
