was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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