It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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