That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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