i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
