You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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