So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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