Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
