the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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