Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
