a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
