i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
