Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
