My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
