my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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