I smell stomach acid.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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