Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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