Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
